Do you ever feel like suddenly everything in your world is a competition but you don’t want to compete? Like things don’t hold the same meaning they did oh so long ago?
You’ve felt it too?
Wonderful, I’m assuming the suffocation that followed these feelings is natural too?
Well doesn’t this just keep getting better and better.
I probably sound like a cynic to you. I wasn’t one before I promise, but I think I may have morphed into one. I’ve recently been deemed quite unpleasant. A while before I was told my presence brought discomfort to someone’s life, so much so they had to stay away from me. I tell you, it’s been one hell of a year. Here I was thinking that renting a convertible and driving to anywhere would fix everything. Well the smoke coming out of my car’s engine and the abandoned road in front of me say otherwise. Did I mention life sucks?
So here I am holding my steering wheel, gawking at the speedometer hoping it will magically start accelerating me out of – wherever it is I am right now. Maybe if I flipped my pencil in the right way and really believed in myself I could ‘apparate’ out of here. If only I’d been born in the early 1980s, I would’ve gotten my Hogwarts letter before Voldemort wiped out the Ministry’s record of Muggle born wizards and never gotten into this mess!
I’m sure wizards weren’t awful to each other like muggles are. You know where this is going, I’m going to go on about everything that’s wrong in my story and you’ll have to pretend you care and listen – joke’s on you. You could just give up on the care façade like the people closest to me did.
Yes, I know I’m super sensitive and overly emotional.
Now how many clichés does this story have?
Lost friendships? Check. Betrayal? Check. Unnecessary drama? Check. Unrequited love? Check.
So yeah, clearly we’re not low on the clichés in this story. Don’t worry I’ll tell you all the details – hey I’m stranded in the middle of nowhere; I have all the time in the world, do you?
Ok. So where do I begin? How do I start?
“Just a small town girl livin’ in a lonely world” – fine maybe Journey lyrics aren’t the best way to begin. But you’d be surprised at how apt they are. The name is Ariana Fisher; I spent all of grade school thinking Fisher-Price toys were made by my daddy just for me. Obviously my incredibly colourful imagination attracted a lot of the best bullies in town. They were a real treat, made me feel like crap about myself. On the day I decided to stand up for myself, they beautifully showed me how horrible I was for doing so which in turn made me draw up an apology card for them.
Yup, I’ve been a sensitive idiot pretty much all my life.
Growing up was confusing, as it is for anyone but my best friends Linkin Park, Chris Daughtry, Three Days Grace and Evanescence were always there for me. Don’t get me wrong, I wasn’t a loner, but no friend was truer than these guys. I have a couple of ‘bosom buddies’ the disgusting label the world has given to childhood friends. We go back a good two decades. These three girls were the only girls farthest from girly I could find in a class of thirty. It’s still a sisterhood of sorts. They’re the ‘first’ friends – you know the friends that see you through all your firsts: first ‘F’, first smoke, first hair dye, first crush, first dump etc. Obviously we’ve also had our problems but they’ve never been THE problem, you know?
I met the human forms of headaches in various stages of my life. I’m surprised how many forms a headache can morph into, must be a Metamorphmagus.
My life was quite boring all through middle school and high school. The unnecessary drama began in college. Ah, the collegiate life. Those four years just flew by now that I think about it. But in that moment, going through it all, everything seemed like the end of the world. I wasn’t as invisible in college as I was in school. I wasn’t miss popular or anything either but a fair share of people acknowledged my existence because I was an extra-curricular nerd that stuck her nose in everything.
College is huge and all but its funny how you bump into the same faces at different and completely random accounts over the years in that place. Having different groups of friends meant I met a lot of friends of friends and there was one person who had a lot of mutual with me. Brace yourselves ladies and gentlemen, here enters my first bad habit – the boy.
I’m not going to waste time on describing what he looks like because really that wasn’t the reason he became ‘the’ boy. Maybe I should tell you his name, but I’m going to decide against it. Looking back, he literally came out of nowhere, I couldn’t understand how I hadn’t met or seen him sooner. It was like the wind blew him in or something – which from his built is quite likely. I always wondered how people spoke to one person day in and day out without running out of things to say, but experiencing it let me tell you it was the most comfortable feeling in the world. It felt like home. But people even move out of houses they’ve had for centuries right?
The boy took my hand and showed me what paradise looked like. His charm, care and concern were the three C’s that came in like Miley Cyrus on a wrecking ball and broke my walls down. He led me up on to the clouds and one fine day disappeared, leaving me up there without a ladder. That’s when it struck, the lightening that was reality. I had it all wrong, I got up on that ledge, holding his hand and said ‘You jump, I jump Jack’ like Rory did. Only when I hit the ground I was alone. I was the only one that fell and I don’t know who to blame for that. The boy? Myself? The other woman? Or just circumstance?
Any guesses? Circumstance.
I blamed circumstances. I wanted to know whether the boy had felt everything I had felt – I needed to know I wasn’t crazy. But the big unveiling of the emotional truth was dumbfounding for him. He said nothing – absolutely nothing. Maybe I had imagined all of it, perceived myself as someone of importance and significance, I really do flatter myself. I actually believed that in a sea of women he chose me. Crazy right?
27 dresses is my future, only Malcolm Doyle will continue to be fictional considering my brother is already happily married. Unfortunately, there is no wedding to be planned in this family.
It’s a shame too, he was a keeper. My parents loved him; my brother still hangs out with him. They go out for the occasional beer and football game. Sometimes I wonder what things would be like if I hadn’t told him or if she hadn’t entered the picture, because both scenarios are mutually inclusive after all. Do I regret it? No. No regrets. I was happier than ever then, a happiness I still haven’t been able to find. For once it seemed like fairytales could exist, but obviously life got insecure and simply popped my bubble.
Life is funny that way; its sadistic pleasure of dark humour really takes a toll on us all. One second you’re closing your eyes and imagining walking the corridors of 450 Serra Mall in red jerseys with the boy, the next you’re wondering if you could ever be the same again. Suddenly we’re passing each other like strangers in a sea of people, after all those days we spent hours laughing endlessly. I think I deserve some credit for swallowing the pain of his silence and going on like nothing happened. It wasn’t like the girl wasn’t nice, she was great. They were both great. I just wanted him to be happy – that’s what love is right? sigh. Sounds like I still love him doesn’t it? Ugh, this reality is a reminder of my weakness. Fortunately or unfortunately, this weakness is my biggest hope. Hope that maybe I might be good enough one day, hope that it really wasn’t all in my head and hope that it wasn’t just me who thought we were pretty great together too. There are so many songs and so many stories on the explanation of that connection between the person that’s right for you – the feeling of ease and instant compatibility. They sounded like a load of shit to me too, before this shit happened. Speaking of shit, this was how the story played out in my mind. The boy however, it seems, believes that the promises made and the things said were those between regular friends, so I’m supposed to digest that after all it was in fact, all in my head and that’s where I call bullshit. Every step of the way I warned him not to get me super attached, I begged him to not make promises he couldn’t keep. But he reassured me, kept telling me he was right there and nothing would change. So folks, you can imagine the constant banter playing in my head. The boy without a doubt broke my heart in ways I never thought he could. In the wise words of Adam Levine “you can’t expect me to be fine, I don’t expect you to care,” you know why? Because, love is like cancer, it comes out of the blue and kills you – morbid representation of love right? But think about it, can you deny it?
I know my worth now – I think? He disappointed a person that believed in him, his abilities, his heart and his incredible future, someone who would always stand by him. Not that that would matter to him – or would it? I really don’t know anymore. “We don’t talk anymore like we used to” but because I’m an emotional idiot, I’m still always there for him and he knows that but he’ll never know, understand or appreciate what it takes for me to be the way I am. I repeat: I’m an emotional idiot, I know you can see that now, am I crazy though? Will I ever change? Maybe I could add a poll at the end of this for you guys to vote.
I know I’m asking a lot of questions, you probably even have answers too. You’re lucky if you do. My mind might be compartmentalized, but it’s filled with questions. Questions that have made me overthink every possible thing. It’s a disease, I need help but the trust issues really don’t make curing this any easier.
Not to mention the knives sticking out of my back. Initially I thought they weren’t visible to the naked eye, only those who felt could see, kind of like the Thestrals. Recently, it seems like everyone and anyone can see. Maybe I did something to make them more pronounced? Or maybe I simply couldn’t hide it anymore.
Love takes many forms. Love isn’t just between a girl and a boy, or a parent and a child. It’s the feeling that grows when moments bind people together. Friends have innumerable moments, inside jokes and so many secrets, so much to stitch the most beautiful and fragile love there is. Losing that is like losing a part of your soul – like the feeling Voldemort gets when Harry destroys a Horcrux. The void is unexplainably large.
Life’s given me incredible friends. Not just the “bosom buddies” but other than them. There are two idiots who are the only ones calling me right now, over and over again, worried sick because I haven’t been keeping in touch; ‘Code red’ they call it. Then there’s the guy who’s my 911 any time of any day and the other one who literally drops everything the second I need ‘saving’. These people have kept me sane, kept me together.
Everything in this world needs to be balanced, equations, laws in physics – so obviously everything in the friend department couldn’t have all been good. It’s time to step out of the light and enter the darkness. There are people in life who are just plain toxic, who just cannot do anything to let go of their poisonous ways. I trusted a girl like that, gave her a second chance but she started lying to me. To end the facade I had to take drastic measures to untangle myself and the people I cared about from her web of lies. She’s ones of the only friends to date that I have properly cut off from. I trusted her and she lied about everything.
To balance this toxicity, I have friends who have seen hell just for befriending me, who have dealt with the inability to contact me but yet despite it all, still stand by me in ways the people around me never can.
People are very confusing creatures, I wonder if you’ve ever come across a person or people who you think care about you but in their care screw things up for you. They think they know what’s best for you but never bother asking whether what they think is right – is actually right. Their heart seems to be in the right place but man do they confuse you. It’s around people like these that I’ve seen myself become an inferior version of myself, justifying every word said or action taken. It’s crippling, it kills your self esteem. Once you put your foot down, the ones that still stick around and stop their suffocating ways are the keepers because you then know for sure that they were indeed doing what they did out of love and care.
It’s funny, sitting here in the middle of nowhere, writing all of this for possibly strangers or just myself, is giving me a new perspective on everything that was holding me back. The feeling is invigorating. I’m like a wounded bird that just got the ability to fly again. The sense of freedom is inexplainable. I still don’t have the answers for all the questions I’ve voiced and not voiced, nor do I have anything that I expected I would or should have. I’m still sitting in a beat up car in the middle of nowhere but “for the first time in forever” I’m not scared. I’m not afraid of what has already happened, what is happening or what’s going to happen. I’ll make the most of what I have and embrace the adventure. So whoever you are reading this right now, congratulations you found my car – you can keep it – I hope my words resonated with you. I’m leaving this notebook on the steering wheel as a metaphor – this story has given me the vigor I needed to steer my life back in the direction I need it to be. I’m leaving behind the person I don’t want to be and walking into the golden sunset in search of the path that will take me home.
-Lots of Love