Permanent Silence

Starving, my ears are starving to hear something nice. My heart yearns for some care, something as little as a smile. I know why they hate me and for that I hate myself. I could never be the girl in the frame, the picture of perfection. All the expectations are justified but the accusations completely falsified. For the first time my voice deceived me, it did not let out the words that were hanging at the tip of my tongue but the complete opposite. The thinking portions of the small chunk of grey matter i possess all malfunctioned at once and just like that unnecessary, inappropriate things spilled out of my mouth. If only i’d stopped them, but would it have made things any better? The damage had already been done, or did those last words light the fire? I would never know. For now its just entrapment, entrapment in a world that i never fully accepted or frankly ever liked. Everything about this world was wrong, the hypocrisy, the judgment, the perceptions and worst of all the lack of music. The strum of a guitar, the notes of a keyboard all seem like ancient history. Even the hums that came from within me were gone. The silence was never ending. I recall a sound I made a lot once upon a time, a sound that indicated joy, I don’t even remember what it was called anymore. I forcefully try to take it out now, but its just not the same and I doubt it ever will be. This silence is permanent and  within it I am held hostage. 

 

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