My heart just won’t stop breaking. Every time I speak to you I can hear the disappointment in your voice. It rips my insides to pieces knowing that every step I took, I hurt you. I can no longer look at you without falling to pieces, which is extremely inconvenient considering we have to spend every waking moment together. I know I am far from forgiveness, I know that you deserved far better than what you got and that now more than ever you wish I had never been born. I had always hoped to somehow repay you for the sacrifices you made for me; I could never imagine that I would make you regret it instead.
I won’t say sorry because that word does not even cover an inch of the sorrow I feel. In your eyes I have sinned and seeing the pain of that in your eyes, glistening with shame, I know that I have. Hurting you the way I have is inhuman and I really wish I had the words to apologize. If only the ground would swallow me whole and save you the hardship of dealing with me for the remaining years of my life. I have never prayed for the number to be large because I have wanted to free you from this punishment for as long as I can remember.
I really wish you could actually see what goes on in this head, instead of the perception you have. I can’t really complain considering my actions have molded your thoughts in this way. If only I had never had a voice, had never been given the ability to think for myself, had never been made an individual. Clearly my individuality has just created more and more problems. I need to accept that no matter how much I thought I could lean on you, I am alone.
The minute you said you wished you could turn your back like he did, I knew it. I knew that I am the problem and that I was destined to stand absolutely, completely alone. You may say sometime in the future that you never meant it like that, but like you said, you were thinking it that’s why you said it. I have clearly set a record, the first child to have drove both er parents away. Wow. I always thought he was selfish, that’s why he left but now I guess i see the reality. Its obvious the problem lies in me, because you cant both be wrong.
You question my negativity, but if you cannot see the fire burning me to ash then it’s evident you only see what you want to see. I do have a question though, did you ever once offer a hand to try and ‘fix me’? It’s easy as hell pointing out flaws in people, you tell me off about it all the time, but helping them fix those flaws is what requires effort and time, which of course you don’t want to put. All I can request now is if you won’t throw the water to save me, at least stop fueling the fire. Have some mercy on me.
On a closing note I repeat I can never express the true levels of my sorrow that you got stuck with me, you deserved a hell of a lot more, you still do. If it made anything better I would have readily traded my breath for your happiness. It has to be said though, that no matter how broken I may feel or may be, I have and always will love you. I have had a never ending thirst to hear those words from your mouth, but instead I will say them and wait for as long as I have to for the glorious day where you finally say it and trust me once again. Till then I will move on, day after day, tear after tear, empty, just how you wanted me. You win. I accept defeat.