Murder, she spoke.

“Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.”
It was barely audible, but nonetheless I’d said it. I needed to go on and just say it all. But I was ashamed. That’s when the sobbing began. 
“Go on child, just let it out,” a deep voice startled me. It initially felt like the wall was impermeable to sound. 
Slightly spooked, I wiped my tears and took a deep breath. “I’m a murderer,” I confessed. That’s when the elephant walked in. The priest’s gasp was loud and unhinging. How was I supposed to keep going?”
Moments later he whispered “Dear child, who – who did you kill?”
“Myself,” I sobbed.
You could hear the confusion clouding his brain.
“I don’t quite follow, do you mean you tried to take your own life?” 
I shook my head as the tears fell fast and hard. “I killed myself, the real me, I’ve become a person I never was and never wanted to be. I was led astray. Everyday I look at myself in the mirror and try to find the person I used to be. It’s not like she’s hiding in a closet just waiting to be summoned. She’s slowly conformed, become a part of the people around her. Influenced by what they thought was right. But they didn’t smother her with a pillow every night or let her drown in her tears, that was me. I could feel her slowly leave me and I did nothing to stop it. I’ve lost faith in humanity and the concept of good people. The world is cruel and unfair is a very cliched concept, one I don’t want to believe in. Yet every time I look at someone I fear -” I stopped.
This was getting too personal and going off topic. He did not need to know the piles of insecurities and airport carousel worth of baggage I carried. I needed to explain my point through other means.
“The last year has been about change and loss. Loss in the hands of God and loss in the hands of people. I didn’t realize how I was making everything worse by not connecting with the rainbow of emotions the turmoil had brought out. I let it spread like a cancer bringing on my own destruction. So I sit here now hollow, void and incomplete. Missing the vital bit that made me, me and there’s no one to blame but me. I’m a murderer.” 
The priest tried to formulate words but he was awestruck. 
He took a deep breath and gave it his best shot “Dear one, clearly the person you claim you have lost for good is still there. You have come to this realization all on your own. Your heart is pure, your intentions good. You have not murdered, verily you have caused a mild concussion. Now that the dizziness has stopped and heaviness subsided, you’ll find the real you right where she always was.”
“That me was too nice for my own good. This me is guilty of a lot of bad. Clearly,  I live in extremes” I sarcastically chuckled.
He gave a pity giggle before continuing “for once look at the mirror and really look at yourself. Appreciate every pigment, curve – all of it. Embrace the reality of your inner and outer beauty because remember child – this too shall pass.”
In that moment, I took my leave.  I found the words that pushed me forward everytime my legs gave way:”This too shall pass.”


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